Full Circle
by Pumpkinshota
Summary: A request from tumblr I forgot to put on here. To ease the nightmares of their life, Gon comes up with a simple solution. (M for gore.)


It's happened from the very beginning.

"Stop it… Stop…" Nightmares.

For as long as Killua dare remember, he's had nightmares that lead into a fitful, restless sleep. At times, it could even shake him so badly that he ended up crying out and alerting his family that there was something wrong. Had his family been more of a normal sort, perhaps they would have coddled him properly until the terror faded away. Unfortunately, this family was hardly a normal sort and coddled him, but then proceeded to punish him for his mental weakness once he was more awake.

The nightmares neither lessened nor worsened as a result.

Truthfully, it wasn't always the torture training that he dreamt about. To Killua, the torture training held very little meaning to him and his dreams tended not to reflect the physical pains he'd endured. Physical pain had always been something that he could handle, more or less, without complaint. On the emotional aspect, however…

It had always been the same image that nagged at the deepest part of his psyche. The unsightly vision that, scattered at his feet, laid the bodies of thousands of innocent people. In it, there were adults and children alike that had not been spared from his ravenous claws. Killua was covered head to toe in their blood and he held a faintly glimmering sense of regret for his actions.

Even while he never appeared to care about the deaths of others, the dreams always felt somber and regretful. It was almost as if, deep down, he always had cared to some extent for the people he hardly knew for more than a few seconds. Unfortunately, business was business and this was how he and his family happened to get along in life. It seemed normal to him, more or less.

In the nightmares, the people's faces were always obscured and unclear, their bodies limp and mangled in ways that were cringe-worthy to any halfway sane spectator. Killua often looked away and stared at his own, bloodied hands. It was always at that point that the regret and guilt sunk in, the feeling of having killed so many without ever having truly wanted to. At times, staring at his bloody hands, he would come to think of how great another life would be. It was something he wished to attain, as to wash away his sins.

It was in the same dream that Illumi always appeared seemingly out of nowhere while Killua stared blankly at his own hands. Illumi usually rested a hand upon his shoulder, saying the same damned verse every time, "I'm proud of you, Kil… You've become such an efficient killing machine. Look… Look at all of them." And Illumi would wave his arm, pulling Killua's attention to the field of dead bodies. At that point, Killua usually woke with tears in his eyes or from crying out into the darkness. Looking back up when Illumi commanded him to, the bodies seemed to rapidly decay in front of him like everything was moving forward too rapidly. At the end, all that was left was millions upon millions of maggots squirming around in half decayed corpses. It frightened him quite terribly.

Those dreams always held such a sense of hopelessness that this was the fate he was condemned to – his own personal hell every day he went on. It was the fate of killing others for a profit and being held against his will to do it. Somehow, even if he always had a perfect opportunity to do it, he never found himself quite able to strike back against his brother in those dreams . 'Don't attack someone stronger than yourself', the voice in his head often said. It'd been so deeply ingrained into his psyche that even in his dreams he would submit or run from trouble before confronting it. In this case, he was completely submissive.

He hated feeling like a pawn and so utterly helpless in those nightmares, so more often than not he resented sleep because of it. To keep the metaphorical infection at bay, he restricted his sleeping as much as he possibly could without it interfering with his work. Three days was the max he could manage before he had to sleep again due to feeling fatigued and hazy. If it kept dream Illumi away, then he could bear that without complaint. He had enough of Illumi to deal with in the real world, let alone his dream world, too. Anything he could idly daydream of would probably be better than the things his mind invented otherwise. His subconscious was just cruel.

Then the day came when he got fed up with it all and finally ran away from that place on a whim. A whim that somehow turned into something a lot better than he could've ever imagined. He'd expected it would be a temporary adventure that would have plenty of punishment by time he came back, but anything was better than staying cooped up in that place any more than he already had. Really, he couldn't have foreseen the complications that would end up arising as a result of it.

He met Gon.

"He can actually keep up with me…"

There was something absolutely amazing about that to Killua.

"I'm Gon!"

"… I'm Killua."

Looking back now, Killua could find himself able to laugh at how they met. It was such a simple, innocent way to meet someone. A mutual interest in each other brought about merely because they'd been so terribly lonely and needed the company of someone as capable as themselves. At the time, he would've never thought Gon would become so important to him. To be rescued like he was later on, after the Exam had finished… It was the last thing he would've considered plausible. Someone cared enough about him a coldblooded killer to save him from damnation.

"Gon, you'll never know how happy I was at that time…"

And so began their own adventure together, where they promptly when off to the Heaven's Arena.

Along with it came new problems and equally terrifying dreams. A fresh wave of the infection spread over his psyche and with it sprouted a seed of possessiveness and unconditional love. In his own selfishness, what he had gained was not something he wanted to lose; to anyone. It seemed like his subconscious, however, had other ideas in mind.

"Killua…. Killua, wake up!" Gon shook him at the shoulders, but Killua hardly budged beyond the squirming he was doing. Pleading whimpers escaped his lips, along with quiet murmurs that seemed mostly intangible in his deep sleep.

"Killua… Please wake up!" Gon sounded desperate and, somehow, that was able to pull Killua partially from the illusion he was facing. His eyes fluttered open and then went wide, but he blinked them shut quickly and rubbed at them. Tears had already begun to slip down his cheeks, much to Gon's high concern. Gon had never seen Killua cry and Killua definitely didn't seem like the sort that would. He was, with good reason, concerned.

The moment Killua finally became fully aware of his surroundings, and more importantly that Gon was staring at him with a worried expression, he put on his façade all over again. Though, his attempt this time was sloppy at best; the tears upon his cheeks and his tired red eyes spoke a lot more than the faked smile he put up.

"Killua…" Gon sounded so genuinely concerned, it made Killua falter. He conceded to defeat when Gon wrapped his arms around him in a hug, rocking him back and forth like he was just a child. So shaken from the night terror, Killua didn't have the mental stamina to fight Gon off right now; especially so since the dream itself had been about Gon's death. By Killua's own hand, nonetheless.

Whilst Gon rocked him back and forth, he started to hum quietly; a tune Killua was unfamiliar with, unsurprisingly. It was calming in his worst moments of vulnerability and exposure. To this day, Killua still remembered the tune that Gon hummed to him, because on every subsequent night that he had a night terror and Gon was present, he would hum that same tune until Killua calmed down enough to get back to sleep. Somehow, Gon was able to manage a feat that Killua himself had always been incapable of. As the months passed, the nightmares slowly lessened and he didn't need that cliché, overdone gesture to calm himself.

He never cried again after the first night.

Now they were both sixteen and oh, the tables had so drastically turned since when they were merely twelve.

"It's funny how that happened… My nightmares are almost bearable after all this time, but now Gon…"

After the events that happened in East Gorteau, nearly two years prior, Gon never had been quite the same really. Killua didn't find that out until after they managed to reunite somewhat awkwardly and out of the blue. The last day he'd seen Gon off, he'd seemed fine; it had been a somber occasion, their splitting, but otherwise Gon was just fine. It was funny how Gon hid the nightmares from him, just like Killua had done when they were younger.

When Gon had nightmares, he always thrashed about in his sleep and tended to end up halfway off his bed. On some nights, Gon cried out, too. On others more often than the previous, there was nothing but whimpers, like a small injured puppy might. It was a pitiful sight, but really, Killua had no idea what he could do to help his friend. After it became a regularly occurring thing, Killua opted to sleep closer to Gon and, when the fits began, he would pull Gon close to his chest and cuddle him – rather awkwardly, but still. It seemed to comfort him enough that he would be still for the remainder of the night.

The worst part had to be that Gon never seemed to remember in the morning, or at least, he did a damn good job at hiding what he was feeling. He always seemed so chipper the morning after; Killua had to wonder if he really had no idea at all. Truth be told, it was months before he found out that Gon was trying his best not to burden Killua after everything that had happened before.

It had earned him a nice slap across the face for being so stupidly selfish and keeping it to himself when Killua wanted to help.

"You moron! Don't keep things like that from me. I want to help you if I can." Just like Gon had helped him once, too.

"But, Killua… I don't want to drag you into any more of my problems." Gon looked like a kicked puppy after Killua scolded him. This time, Killua had no intention of just giving in to that look; he'd given in way too many times in the past. Now they were going to do things his way for just this once.

"Shut up and next time tell me what's on your mind." Gon looked like he wanted to argue, but one sharp glare from Killua, surprisingly enough, put him in his place. He was silent after that.

It occurred to him upon thinking about it later on that he might be able to comfort his longtime companion in the same manner that Gon had for him. That little tune Gon had hummed for him when they were twelve – it was a bit blurry in his mind now, but he was sure he could remember it well enough. Gon had sung it god knows how many times before Killua was able to rest soundly and without thrashing about everywhere.

On that night, he decided he would attempt it.

"Hey, Gon…?" Killua was undressing alongside Gon to shift into their night clothes. Gon glanced over at him with a curious look. It was similar to the look that anyone would remember back from when he was twelve.

"Yeah, Killua?" He questioned, turning to face his friend whilst pulling a tank top over his head.

"If you have a nightmare tonight, I'm going to try something. I think it might help."

Gon seemed curious, but didn't question the matter very highly. He trusted that Killua would show him when the time came. One thing he had come to realize about Killua since their reuniting: Killua was a lot more assertive and wouldn't give in to petty arguments like he once had. Killua had grown more stubborn and Gon had grown very slightly more submissive – at least towards Killua.

"Okay, Killua! I trust you."

There was a click of the lights and both boys climbed into bed. Sharing a tiny bed was a bit awkward, but it helped to comfort them if they were in close proximity. So it wasn't something to be argued – not since it was essentially for their sanity. In the end they had both ended up a little screwed up in the head, but what else could be expected after everything, right?

Even in their close proximity, it wasn't even an hour before it began; just like seemingly every night now. It started with the whimpering and gradually grew more violent, with thrashing and kicking to boot. And just like every other night, Killua wrapped his arms around his friend and stilled him – though the whimpering persisted.

Tiredness and exhaustion aside, Killua pulled up the tune as well as he could remember it. He hummed quietly, knowing full well that Gon would still be able to hear him with those keen ears of his. Just humming the tune to himself, it brought back the fondest of memories – memories of happier and simpler times with Gon. It helped him to recall the times where they simply fought for fun and played 'virtual reality' games with old hags disguised as lolitas.

For Gon, it probably had a much deeper and much more symbolic meaning. A minute or so passed after Killua began to hum and slowly, he felt Gon's tensed muscles relaxing under his grip and the whimpering died down to dull, sleepy murmurs.

Every night subsequently, Killua hummed that tune to Gon until eventually he didn't need it quite so often. Every so often, too, Gon would thank him for everything he always did and Killua would shrug it off as always. It was what friends did for each other, after all.

They had come full circle when all was said and done.


End file.
